A big lesson from a 14-year-old

I learnt a big lesson from a 14-year-old today. He is an athlete who spends time away from his family and landed in my room a couple of months ago as he was experiencing some crippling anxiety. With the support of some medications, his anxiety is managed now, but thankfully he is still continuing therapy.

He is extremely talented. Top in his event all-island wise and someone with hopes of international participation. Lovely child. But his inner dialogue is very demeaning, and it’s clear that he is the villain in his story most of the time. At his core, he feels he doesn’t deserve love and, more prominently, that he is unworthy and a failure.

During therapy, he sometimes shares his achievements, but today I really learnt about his national-level accomplishments. That opened the way for me to confront him: “Putha, you just told me that you are the best in your peer level in this category and possibly among the top 10 in the world. But earlier you said you are an utter failure and of no use to anyone. What’s the logic behind this?”

Earlier in the session, we had discussed how sometimes our own mind is our greatest enemy, and he quickly made the connection, “Miss, it’s clear. I can see how my mind itself has been the greatest enemy of mine.” We then discussed ways to challenge those negative thoughts, reframed them, and I sent him back to class with homework for next week.

This reminded me of myself a few weeks ago when I was struggling with my self-esteem. I had to complete my master’s dissertation, and my supervisor’s comments felt particularly harsh. My self-esteem was crushed, and I felt like a total failure. Doing the research wasn’t difficult, but handling the criticism was, especially since I had never been critiqued this way before. Teachers had always made me feel smart and capable, so this felt like a shock.

Around the same time, I landed on a clip by Simon Sinek (who, by the way, has the most beautiful face in the world, you can just keep looking at his face as he speaks. It gives you such a calming effect. Such a kind face he has.) He shared a similar experience where one of his presentations had been heavily critiqued and revised seven times. At first, he felt the criticism was personal, but then he realized the person was just correcting the presentation – not putting down the good, smart person he is. Criticism against the presentation meant the presentation needed improvement, not him as a person. That made me realize the harsh comments on my thesis were about the work, not about me or my abilities.

How I wish I had seen that video 2–3 months ago. It would have saved me. But it’s also like my 14-year-old client. His greatest enemy has been no one else but himself. And my greatest enemy has also been no one else but me; blinding me sometimes, keeping me from realizing certain things. To know thyself, at all times, is a much harder task than one thinks.